TOAB

Initially, I didn’t know how to safely approach this subject, as most certainly, only my farming relatives, friends, and acquaintances would view a certain statement contained within as being non-offensive.

Those people not raised on farms or ranches, nor around cows and bulls, undoubtedly, would see the wisdom from such an unusual expression as being totally vulgar. After thinking things over for several days, I decided to cut to the chase, realizing that more despicable statements, at least to me, are now heard daily on television commercials.

There’s nothing more insulting in my book than having to watch advertisements for certain feminine products, or even worse, hemorrhoid relief. Why do they have to go into such detail and always seemingly pop up when I’m eating? If the remote is close at hand, our TV quickly goes off.

It was in 1975 when I first visited Kansas with my girlfriend, now my spouse. Joleen’s uncles and aunts were farmers, with her cousins helping perform the necessary chores. One evening, we were visiting with Joleen’s cousin and his wife, Melvin and Debbie Mills.

The conversation quickly turned to trucks which is quite common amongst farmers everywhere. When I mentioned that my father used a small Ford Courier pickup to run parts for his automotive part’s store, Melvin, in a matter-of-fact voice responded, “Those pickups are worthless as tits on a bull around here!” From this point on, out of respect to those easily offended, I’ll use my recently created acronym, TOAB.

I’d never heard Melvin’s statement before, and it caused me to chuckle at first — then think about what he just said, and chuckle even louder. It was just a normal figure of speech to Melvin and not one to garner laughs.

Farmers do have a vocabulary of their own, with me once hearing Joleen’s Uncle Lee mention something about, “Milo.” I thought he was referring to a hired hand. Turned out that Milo is a grain or sorghum grown as feed for cattle.

Since that time now 50 years ago, I probably hear TOAB at least once a year during some conversations, always with male counterparts and never female. I’d relate hearing this to my junior high shop teacher abruptly using the term “bastard file.”

That got the class’s attention like right now, with most of us believing he was mad at a certain metal file held in his hand. The instructor went on to explain that’s the normal name for it and has been for over 200 years.

Students got a good laugh out of this, and I’m sure our instructor had that in mind. Had I used this crude-sounding term around my mother, she would’ve immediately made me wash my mouth out with soap.

Deciding to do a bit of research on TOAB, I first came across the statement in the March 12, 1896, “Kansas Farmer” newspaper. That wasn’t unexpected. From the year 2000 on, there are many newspapers throughout the country having printed it in one way or the other, with the majority being editorials.

Some products this worthless TOAB namesake applies to are: banana slicers, banana holders, pet rocks, air in a can, diet water, DVD rewinder, shoe umbrella, mechanical pet petter, and my favorite, a fake gun.

For a short time, I labeled one of those crazy looking Tesla pickups as being worthless as TOAB, but I have now changed my mind. I see them pulling heavy boats around Lake Havasu City on an almost daily basis.

Melvin Mills claimed that my dad’s little Ford Courier would be worthless on a farm because of its limited weight-carrying capability. Joleen’s younger cousin, Randy Mills, having visited our city three years ago, went even further after having spotted one of the overly lifted diesel pickups driving around town all decked out with chrome and lights.

“What a waste of a perfectly good truck. That feller made it worthless as TOAB.”

How could I argue with Randy, as he was perfectly correct in his analysis!